2:00 A.M.

2:00 A.M.

It’s already 2 A.M.

How did I stay up this long? I used to be that kid who went to bed before 10:00 PM and woke up at 6:00 AM. What happened to me?

Now, I’m staying up all night, eating nothing, smoking the entire day, drinking too much, and waking up at midday. What the hell is wrong with me?

Maybe this is a sign of “adulting.” But no—this isn’t healthy adulting. I think it’s something else. Maybe it’s depression. Should I see a doctor? Should I talk to a psychiatrist? Or maybe not… maybe it’s normal.

I pull out a cigarette from that beautiful box of Marlboro. Pour another drink from the bottle of Jameson I keep admiring. Spending all my money on this stuff. Again, I’m asking myself—what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

I’m not going to college. I’m spending entire days in this messy room, wearing the same clothes for days. And the worst part? I don’t even care anymore.

But deep down, I don’t like the way I live. I want to dress well. I want to sleep on time. I want to live a healthy, good life.

I’ve talked about all the mess, the problems, everything that’s been going wrong. But now, let’s talk about why it’s happening.

What’s the reason?

Truth is—I genuinely don’t know. There’s just a constant chaos in my head. Maybe it’s because I’m away from home. No one’s here to tell me to wake up on time, sleep on time, or eat properly.

But I can’t blame anyone. No one will spoon-feed me forever. I have to live on my own. I have to pack my shit together and move on with life.

But I’m sorry—I can’t do it right now.

My life’s been a mess lately.

Not in the mood to talk to friends.

Not in the mood to talk to my parents.

Not in the mood to eat.

And sometimes I wonder—am I even capable of being loved? Do I deserve love?

Does anyone truly care about me?

Would anyone ever want to live with someone like me?

These thoughts hit hard. They freeze my mind. It’s 2:00 AM, and I’m stuck in a loop.

I pull a beer from the fridge, light another cigarette, and start watching my favorite show again.